


I Think It's You (I've Been Missing)

by After_Angels



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, Closeted Lindsey Horan, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Injured Kelley, Insecurity, Loneliness, Past Soran, Past/Future So'Hara, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21663151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/After_Angels/pseuds/After_Angels
Summary: Emily Sonnett hadn't thought she would be spending her birthday on her own in Atlanta. But after a long year and too many mistakes to count, the two women she had loved are now busy loving other people. So she counts down the last few hours of her birthday alone,in an apartment that doesn't quite feel like home, and wonders how everything had gone so wrong.
Relationships: Kelley O'Hara/Emily Sonnett, Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Comments: 14
Kudos: 95





	I Think It's You (I've Been Missing)

**Author's Note:**

> So this wouldn't leave me alone... Short and unbetad to ease myself back into writing. M rating is for pretty indescript mentions of sex, nothing explicit. Not dialogue heavy, more introspective Sonny than anything else. I messed with the timeline a bit, because fiction! Please mind the past Soran tag (there is also So'Hara angst in here), and enjoy!

Emily Sonnett is used to being people’s second choice. As a twin, it had been inevitable. Emma had been homecoming queen and Emily had missed the dance for a game. She loved Emma, but she had never quite been the southern belle her parents had wanted. So it isn't a surprise that her parents and Emma are celebrating together, in Alabama. They hadn’t been with Emily on her birthday since she had moved away for college, anyway. And yet, she still finds herself wishing she had accepted their invitation to join them. Because at least then she wouldn’t be alone, in a barely furnished apartment, missing the company of people who she wasn’t even sure were missing her. In Emily’s defense, she hadn’t expected to be alone today. Because Lindsey had promised that she wouldn’t be. And what felt like a lifetime ago, so had Kelley. She lets herself imagine, just for a second, what could have been.

The absolute train wreck of a year had started off so well. Because she and Kelley had finally given in to one another. After years of flirting, teasing, and pushing each other’s boundaries, they had finally acted on whatever had always lingered between them. It had been incredible, being able to finally act on the affection and longing that she had long harbored for her mentor and teammate. Kelley was just so alive. Everything seemed hyper-charged between them. Emily loved riling up Kelley more than anything, probably. She loved being able to push and push until something finally gave and-

She takes another sip of the whiskey she had been gifted by Tobin after the semi-final. Thinking about Kelley, about what could have been, was never good for her heart, and certainly not her liver. Their relationship was just getting back to normal, almost a year after they had broken up, but Emily can’t help the lingering resentment that simmers whenever she thinks about it. Because Kelley had claimed she wasn’t ready for anything that serious. Had fucked Emily in hotel rooms and cities across the world until she couldn’t walk but wouldn't take her home when they were both in Georgia. Would whisper praise and encouragement as she took her from behind against the wall of Emily’s Portland apartment and hold her as she came back down only to be gone the next morning. And Emily had been in love with Kelley for so long that waiting for Kelley to catch up to her had seemed natural. She had thought that Kelley had needed space after they were together because of how intense Emily was, and Emily hadn’t blamed her. Knew that she looked at Kelley like she never wanted to look at anyone else again and how uncomfortable that must be for someone who wasn’t there yet.

And for months that had been enough. Their schedules hadn’t lined up anyway, but they had facetimed every night and Kelley had been surprisingly attentive. For all the bravado she displayed on the field and with their teammates, Emily learned that Kelley could be so vulnerable, too. Especially over the phone. While it always seemed like an uphill battle to get Kelley to be serious in person, when they were apart Kelley was an open book. Emily still remembers the July night she had gotten a call from a slightly tipsy Kelley past 1am, just wanting to check in on her after a bad game. Remembers the shake in Kelley’s voice as she had promised that she was good, the earnestly as she had told Emily how important she was to her, and how much she believed in her as both a partner and a teammate. Kelley had asked her to be her girlfriend that night, and Emily finally felt like they were getting to the same place. Together. 

And then that winter Kelley had gotten injured. Her ankle was out of commission and Emily had flown to Georgia immediately to be with her girlfriend while she recovered. Since it was the off-season for the Thorns, and the national team camp had just ended for the winter, Emily and Kelley had already been planning to try living together in Atlanta during the off-season. But with Kelley’s injury, what had once seemed like a dream quickly turned ashen. Kelley was irritable and insecure, snapping at Emily as she tried to help by reading up on recovery plans. Alex had visited to help calm Kelley down, and Emily had once again been relegated to the rookie who was too young to really help. Kelley would fuck Emily like she used to before they were dating, blistering and dominant, and Emily would miss the softer moments in between with everything in her. 

It took a month for them to break up. Emily remembered the quiet ways Kelley took care of her, and resolved to stay and try to be whatever Kelley needed. And then, when Kelley had been in an exceptionally good mood after a positive physical therapy session, Emily had told Kelley she loved her. Kelley had kissed her, and for a moment Emily believed everything could get back to normal between them. They made love for the first time since Kelley had been injured, and Kelley had held her gently as she cried when she came. She had fallen asleep to Kelley’s arm possessively around her waist, and woken up to her girlfriend’s packed bags. 

Kelley had barely made eye-contact as she left that morning, claiming she was going to LA to stay with Alex, and that she wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment that Emily had wanted. That the past night had been a mistake, and that Emily was too far in for Kelley. That she was sorry, and would see her at camp. And so Emily had watched the woman she loved walk away, and wondered why Kelley hadn’t been able to love her back.

________________________________________

Emily still hates thinking about her breakup with Kelley. It had been so sudden, just on the cusp of what she thought was a breakthrough for them. She had gone back to Portland, shell-shocked, and stayed with Lindsey. And Lindsey was so different than Kelley. Where Kelley was unpredictable, Lindsey was solid. She was easy with her affection and her attention in ways Emily was unused to. And so when she had found out from Tobin that Kelley was seeing someone new, Emily had leaned into Lindsey. Because Lindsey was straight, and had been dating her boyfriend forever, and somehow pining after Lindsey, who she knew loved her, even if it wasn’t exactly how she wanted, hurt less than admitting that she was still yearning for Kelley. Kelley who had clearly moved on and found something in this woman that she hadn’t in Emily. 

For a while, loving Lindsey is easy. Part of her knows that she’s always been a little in love with her best friend, even though her love for Kelley had always felt so needy and all consuming. Her love for Lindsey had never felt that way. If Kelley was fire, Lindsey was water, the calm reassurance and steady presence of the ocean on a summer day. Loving Lindsey had never made her feel as alive as Kelley, but it had never hurt her like Kelley’s had and for Emily, at that moment, it had been everything.

While Emily and Kelley danced around each other at camps and through mutual friends, she and Lindsey had gotten closer. Every moment that was once spent fighting for Kelley’s attention was now focused on soft moments with Lindsey. It’s almost anticlimactic when Lindsey and her boyfriend break up. A part of Emily had known this had become inevitable the minute Lindsey had been the one she gravitated to after Kelley. And when they kissed it didn’t feel like it did with Kelley, like everything in the world narrowed to the two of them, but it felt safe, and comfortable, and a little bit like home, and Emily falls in love again.

Lindsey tells her that she loves her about a week after they kiss. They both make the world cup roster and they celebrate by staying in, trading sloppy kisses between phone calls to their family, friends, and managers. Emily gets a text from Kelley, the first since she had left, and it just says,"Congrats, Em. On the team, and on Lindsey. I’m happy for you." It is the most punctuation Kelley has probably ever used in her life, and definitely the most she has ever used with Emily. Lindsey sees the change in her expression and reads over her shoulder, eyes turning stormy before impossibly soft. She kisses Emily softly, like she is something special and important and treasured. And when she tells Emily that she loves her, and that she isn’t going anywhere, a part of Emily finally settles.

In the end, it had been Kelley that had ruined them, though not in the way any of them had anticipated. Because Kelley had kissed someone who wasn’t Emily after the World Cup and the lingering pain of that breakup was overshadowed by the fact that Lindsey clearly wasn’t willing to do the same. Because as nice as it was to have Lindsey near her as she celebrated with her team, she wanted her closer. She wanted Lindsey to kiss her and for people to know how proud she was to love her best friend, how in love she was. And Lindsey didn’t want that. Had told Emily early on that she had wanted to be quiet about their relationship, and that she wasn’t ready to be out. But until the World Cup, until seeing Kelley proudly in love, Emily hadn’t realized how badly she wanted that. Ignores the voice in the back of her head that insists she is yearning for Kelley more than any display of affection, and focuses on how good being with Lindsey is. How much she loves that they can live together in Portland, how much her family adores Lindsey. How good Lindsey is at loving her. How much she adores loving Lindsey. 

And they settle back into their routine. After the World Cup celebrations calmed down, Emily mostly forgets about wanting to come out. She and Kelley had resumed a tentative friendship, and her fear of ruining that was enough for her to completely ignore any lingering feelings she had towards the older woman. It had hurt when Kelley told her she was moving to DC in the off-season to be with her girlfriend, but it lessens when Kelley visits her in Portland for the first time after their breakup, how easy it is to revert back to their easy banter. And it had disappeared almost entirely when Lindsey comes home that night and kisses Sonny possessively. 

Lindsey’s possessiveness had eventually become a problem, though. Because she was just as staunch in her refusal to come out as she was in her insistence that everyone should know that Emily was hers. And Emily knew it came from a place of protectiveness, that Lindsey wanted people to know she was taken. But it was so hard to navigate Lindsey’s jealous streak and the closeted nature of their relationship. And Emily hated herself for wanting more from Lindsey. But she also couldn’t stop. And when they played Utah for the first time after Kelley and Emily had repaired their relationships, Lindsey had been vicious. Emily had made some bad plays, mostly because of the tension she sensed from both Lindsey and Kelley before the match, but Lindsey had been careless. Shoving ARod after a particularly nasty comment about Kelley and Emily’s past and trying to goad her into a fight. 

And Lindsey had spent that night crying, in a hotel in Utah, as she told Emily that she wasn’t sure she could ever be out. That her parents had promised to disown her after they had found out she had been with a girl in Paris and that she loved Emily, but she loved her family too. They had spent the night in each other’s arms, trying to find a way that they could move forward together. And Emily had woken up alone, for the second time that year, wondering why loving her hadn’t been enough.

________________________________________

Emily doesn’t realize she is crying, at first. Because while thinking about Kelley hurts, thinking about Lindsey is agonizing. Because she hadn’t just lost a partner, she had lost a best friend. And while she and Kelley have been able to somewhat normalize their relationship, she and Lindsey just aren’t there yet. Because while Lindsey had loved Emily, and maybe, Emily thinks traitorously, still does, that hadn’t been enough. And that hurts more than if she hadn’t been loved to begin with.

But as much as the past year has been hell, Emily also knows she wouldn’t change it. Loving Lindsey and Kelley had been worth the cost, and while she misses them both desperately tonight, she can’t imagine not having loved them. She and Lindsey agreed to take the off-season to somewhat mend their broken hearts and she knows that they will be able to come back to each other in time, even if only as friends. But Lindsey is in Denver and earlier today Mal had given her the heads up that she was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend and so Emily is currently moping over whiskey. This is also the first year that she and Kelley have spent her birthday apart, since Kelley is usually in Georgia, too, and while she gets an Instagram story and heartfelt if stunted text from Lindsey about how she misses her, Kelley has been silent. 

Even though her breakup with Lindsey is still fresh, she knows that a part of her still loves Kelley. Misses her more than is appropriate for a relationship that ended so badly. She knows she probably never stopped loving Kelley, just as she knows when she was with Kelley part of her was waiting to love Lindsey. It makes her feel selfish, but they both loved her so differently. Kelley had always felt inevitable to her, but she had never felt as cherished as she had with Lindsey. And, if she is forced to examine her relationship with Lindsey through the lens of her relationship with Kelley, she knows part of it was relishing in everything that Kelley couldn’t give her. The commitment, the tenderness, and the domesticity that she and Lindsey had thrived in, both in their friendship and relationship, was something Kelley had given her sporadically but never for long. And god, had she wanted that with Kelley. If she’s honest, she still does. 

Which is why she is so surprised when Kelley texts her, just after midnight, to open her door. Because Kelley is supposed to be in DC with her girlfriend, and not wearing a sheepish smile outside her door in the middle of the night hundreds of miles from her new home. Emily is frozen, but Kelley is speaking a million miles a minute. With an intensity and openness that Emily hasn’t ever seen from her.

“I missed you. I’ve missed you for longer than you know but you were with Lindsey and I figured the least I could do after fucking up was let you move on in peace. I tried to move on, but from the moment I left you all I could think about was how much I wanted to tell you I loved you, too. How much I wish I had fought for you when you had given everything to fight for me. But I was depressed and doubting myself and I when you told me you loved me, after how shitty I was being, I knew you deserved more than I can give you.” 

Kelley hasn’t breathed since she walked in, and Emily is just staring, trying to piece together the picture that is starting to form of their breakup. Of how Kelley had been withdrawn, self-deprecating without her usual humor, and unwilling to take any help. And Emily realizes that Kelley’s ankle wasn’t the only thing that had been broken. She pulls Kelley into the apartment, onto her couch, and holds her hand as she continues. She hates herself for not noticing it earlier, hates that she assumed it was her own insecurities and not Kelley’s that had come between them. Feels like she failed to take care of the woman she loved when she needed it most. And then she realizes that isn’t fair either. That both she and Kelley had needed to be more open with themselves and each other. 

“And I should have tried to communicate my fears with you instead of leaving. I shouldn’t have broken your heart to try and protect mine. It was cruel, and unfair, and I’m sorry. I should have come sooner. I should have left her the minute I realized you were the one I wanted. You were with Lindsey and I was trying to move on but that wasn’t fair to anyone.” 

And suddenly, Emily realizes what this is. This is Kelley, the woman she has loved, does love, will always love, giving her what she needs. This is Kelley fighting for her in a way that she hasn’t before. And while Lindsey hadn’t been able to come out to be with her, this is Kelley showing that she is going to fight, that she is willing to make herself vulnerable and uncomfortable to make them work. This is Kelley respecting her while she was with someone else because she wanted Emily to have her best chance at happiness even if it wasn’t with her. And Emily knows that Kelley is it for her. And because she has been waiting so long for this, for Kelley, she refuses to wait any longer and kisses her. Kelley’s arms immediately wrap around her waist and they both sigh contentedly, trying to get closer even as their noses bump together and they giggle. 

“I love you.” Emily says, sure in a way she has never been before, and she grins unrestrainedly when Kelley whispers it back reverently before they are kissing again. And Emily knows they’ll need to talk more, but it’s early in the morning of her first day being twenty-six, and she wants nothing more than to fall asleep in the arms of the love of her life. So she leads Kelley to her room, forces the older woman into a UVA tee-shirt and changes into the Sandford hoodie she had kept hidden in the back of her closet after their breakup. The softness in Kelley’s eyes when she sees it are worth the mostly harmless teasing she had endured from Lindsey. And she lets herself miss Lindsey for a second, but then Kelley is inviting her to be the little spoon and nothing in the world matters more than this moment.

And when she wakes up the next morning with Kelley’s arm lazily tucked around her waist as she snores quietly into the back of her neck, she knows that the past year has all been worth it to get here. To get to Kelley. So she nestles back into the arms of the woman she loves, and the last fleeting thought she has before sleep reclaims her, is that maybe this time they can get a puppy.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on twitter @After__Angels, I guess!


End file.
